9 Expert Tips to Help You Talk to Your Kids About White Privilege

If you’re going to have a conversation about white privilege with your children, doing your own research beforehand can help you feel more self-assured. The only issue is finding the right place to start. As Faber says, “I feel like parents are being inundated with really good resources, but it takes a lot of time to really vet through and pull out what’s helpful.”

Should the plethora of information seem a bit overwhelming, Faber recommends starting with a larger organization like Cultures of Dignity to find lots of resources compiled all in one place. She says taking the time to go through these materials is imperative because, “This is a topic that we really do want to get right, and [we want] to make sure that it is reflective of people’s genuine experiences and things we maybe haven’t lived.” In this case, that means looking for and listening to information distributed by Black content creators.

Because racism and privilege are fairly complex issues, some parents may shy away from speaking with their children at an early age. However, Amanda McKoy, a child life specialist based in New York City and a mom herself, says that babies as young as six months old can start to see differences in other people.

Faber adds that by three to five years, kids start to form their own identities, and by age 12, many of their cultural beliefs and values are already ingrained. Although a thorough lecture might not be the best approach, Faber explains that kids are not too young to learn about race and privilege. “To think that these are conversations that are too big to have with kids, I think we’re really doing them a disservice.”

As most parents can attest to, kids are always watching us, which means showing them how to use their white privilege for good can be incredibly effective. “Regardless of what you say to your kid, they’re going to absolutely feel – and have been picking up on – how we lead our lives,” Faber says.

To make the most of this, McKoy’s family shares their daily “highs and lows,” placing a special emphasis on the things they’ve done to help others. Similarly, parents can share and show their own experiences in order to teach white children what allyship actually looks like.

The older children get, the more important it is for them to understand the history behind racism and white privilege. According to McKoy, in order to break patterns of racism, we have to acknowledge the wrongdoings of the past. “If we aren’t informing our children about the importance of the history behind race and racism, the saying is that history will continue to repeat itself,” she says.

Start by saying something like, “There is a history of white people doing bad things to Black people and other BIPOC,” with examples and explanations as necessary, and continue from there. This is an easy way for kids to start to understand what white privilege really is, why it exists in the first place, and what they can do about it.

When teaching children, the hardest part is usually getting them to engage. To keep kids focused, Sarah Ali, a behavioral health technician and life skills facilitator in Arizona, uses YouTube videos and asks questions afterwards to make sure that the children are understanding.

McKoy also suggests investing in more diverse literature, like the book The Colors of Us, which talks about celebrating people of all different colors in a fun way that kids can understand. “It’s a good diving in point for people to start a conversation about ‘What are the shades in our family?'” she says. TV shows are also great tools to help kids understand race and privilege, especially ones that are committed to inclusivity and diversity.

A common mistake some parents make in talking to their kids about race and privilege is saying that they “don’t see color.” Ali says that she understands the good intentions behind this statement, but sees how it could be taken the wrong way. As an alternative, she suggests rephrasing it as “I don’t discriminate against race.”

McKoy adds that saying you don’t see color can negate the experiences of BIPOC groups, whose race may be a point of pride or a big part of their identity. Not seeing color can also make it seem as though white people and BIPOC have the same experiences, which is far from the truth. To learn more about this, Faber recommends this article, which emphasizes that although differences shouldn’t matter, oftentimes they still do, and that’s something white families need to recognize in order to use their privilege for good.

In Ali’s experience, many of the non-white children she works with experience social anxiety about being bullied or judged by their more privileged peers. To combat this, she encourages white kids to learn how to stand up for other children, and use their privilege to shut down bullying.

Stephanie Bang, a sixth and seventh grade teacher based in Colorado, agrees, remembering how she struggled with her self esteem as a young person of color. As she grew older and learned about varying levels of privilege, she not only grew more confident in herself, but found that as a non-Black person of color, she also had a responsibility to stand up for her Black friends. This is something she often talks about with her students, and it’s something any non-Black family can share to help their kids take action and understand the power of privilege.

For older children, a great way to get them to engage with conversations about race is to ask them how they’re feeling and why. “Try to get to why we’re forming opinions and how those feelings are coming to be,” Faber says. This not only keeps kids interested, but also helps them apply concepts like white privilege to their real life. Ali says she also likes to ask kids to come up with their own ways to address racism, getting them involved in the issues and helping them identify ways in which they can help.

Above all, Ali says the most important thing is to just keep talking. According to McKoy, “This is not a conversation that myself and my friends had until we were in college. We didn’t know about these things. I think we’re in the problem that can happen if these conversations don’t happen.”

At this point, waiting for white children to recognize their privilege and trusting that they’ll use it for good is too great a gamble. If we genuinely want to see change, it starts with discussions like these, even if you make a few mistakes. As McKoy says, “Even wanting to learn and wanting to do better, is a step in the right direction.”