This Is How to Talk to Your Son About Sexual Assault, According to an Expert

“Age-appropriate discussions about sexual assault should happen as soon as your son is able to understand the concept of privacy and should continue to be an ongoing conversation,” Atkins explained. Talking with your child, even at a young age, can instill in them a sense of ownership over their body and a respect for others. “For a very young child (2-3), you might begin to identify his penis and explain who is allowed to see/touch private parts. Start basic, and make it a casual and normal conversation.”

“Sexual abusers assume the child will keep the abuse secret, so it’s very important that you talk to your child about telling a grown-up if someone touches them inappropriately or asks to see their private parts,” Atkins said. “As many of us know, abusers aren’t always adults, so it’s good to reinforce the concept of privacy regarding peers at school, day care, church, etc.”

While many parents with daughters are doing a great job teaching them to explicitly demand respect for their bodily autonomy, children of both sexes need the same lessons. “We must raise boys to be feminists, which means teaching them to respect their and other’s bodies,” Atkins advised. “Regardless of gender, children must be taught healthy boundaries and feel empowered to protect their bodies.”

A little anatomy lesson can go a long way for children of any sex. “It’s important to teach boys the correct names of body parts because it gives them one more tool to combat sexual abuse,” Atkins told POPSUGAR. “Boys should know the correct male and female anatomy, including penis, scrotum, clitoris, and vagina.” This can help alleviate some of the mystery and fear around their private areas. “These aren’t dirty or embarrassing words, nor are they body parts that we are ashamed of, so informing boys of the correct terminology is essential.”

“Conversations about safe touch and consent should be interwoven in casual conversations,” Atkins said. “Bath time, potty training, diaper changes – these are all good opportunities to educate our sons about their bodies and privacy. Remind your son that his body belongs to him, and no one else is allowed to touch it. In the same way, other people’s bodies belong only to them, and we aren’t to touch them until we are given permission.”

“Experts recommend using the terms ‘safe/unsafe touch’ as opposed to ‘good/bad touch,’ because, for example, if a child has to get a vaccination in the buttocks, that is a safe, albeit seemingly ‘bad,’ touch. The conversation evolves as your son grows, so always be sure to keep it age-appropriate,” she advised.

Atkins recommends that parents use the following phrases as often as they can to make sure they’re casual but still reinforcing consent and bodily autonomy:

• “No means no.”
• “Please respect my boundaries.”
• “I feel uncomfortable when you touch my [insert body part].”

“The above statements help model boundaries and consent,” Atkins explained. “Not only are you teaching your son to protect his own body, but you’re also educating him on the importance of consent and how to respect other people’s bodies.”

“Allow your son to have ownership over his body,” Atkins said. “For example, I recently asked one of my sons if he would feel comfortable with a babysitter giving him a bath. He said that he would not feel comfortable with that. That was a nice opportunity for me to respect his boundaries.”

Related: 30 Books About Consent and Bodily Autonomy For Toddlers and Kids

“Once boys get to the age of being active on social media or the internet, it’s important to broach the topic of pornography,” Atkins explained. “Pornography often emulates rape and molestation culture. Porn is also often a boy’s first introduction to sex, and it can be highly influential in his expectations about sex. If you suspect your son is looking at porn or may accidentally stumble across it, explain that you want your son to have a positive and realistic experience with sex. Even if you see nothing morally wrong with it, I recommend explaining that pornography can be harmful to a developing brain and likely reinforces themes related to rape and sexual harassment. It has explicit themes that aren’t healthy for a young person who’s just beginning to understand sex. I recommend setting up limits in your household and blocking pornography websites so your young son doesn’t have the ability to access them.”

“It’s OK to talk to your children about current events such as the [Brett Kavanaugh] SCOTUS case,” Atkins told POPSUGAR. “It’s appropriate to explain generally what happened: ‘A boy did something to a girl that she did not consent to and now she is talking about it because that boy has grown up and might have a very important job.’ You can use this to explain how important it is to treat others with respect.”

“The learning lesson from Brett Kavanaugh: if we disrespect people and their bodies, it will hurt them for a very long time. The learning lesson from Dr. [Christine Blasey] Ford: it takes bravery to speak out about sexual abuse, but it’s important to do so,” Atkins explained.