This Dad's Absurd Ad For a Honda Odyssey Is the Funniest Thing We've Read in a While

A father named Patrick Fellows cannot be stopped when it comes to offloading his family’s 2012 Honda Odyssey. In a hilarious Facebook post, Patrick went above and beyond to describe all the major selling points of the minivan that his crew has used to get around for the better part of a decade.

“FOR SALE: 2012 Honda Odyssey with all the sh*t to make your life an effing breeze, and you, a better person. Seems too good to be true, you say? Well, grab your panties because your fortunes have changed, ” he wrote in his ad. “Ever have a kid under one arm, groceries, a purse, your phone and keys in the other hand and wonder how you’re going to not get mugged at Target?? Faster than you can say ‘OPEN SESAME’ you hit the button and the doors open like some sort of . . . [Millennium] Falcon!”

Related: Why Yes, This Bride Was More Than OK With Her Bridesmaid Pumping During Wedding Photos

He continued, giving his readers a play-by-play of how smoothly the days could go if they were to own this glorious vehicle. “Throw all that sh*t into the air, the purse lands on the passenger seat, the kid lands strapped in, the groceries all hang by the handles on the fancy little hooks,” he said, “and you flip your beautiful hair around like an 80’s Prell commercial, while, Run the World by Beyonce magically starts playing, loud, with authority.”

According to Patrick, the Odyssey is in “OK TO GREAT” shape, meaning your family will likely get a few more good years out of it. “She’s never been wrecked, has a few scratches but is no worse for wear,” he explained, noting that the interior is in good condition. “The leather smooth and the driver’s seat doesn’t look like a long haul trucker has been smashing his sweaty ass on it for thousands of miles. You’ll see there is sand on the floor, because we use it and if that’s what holds you back, go pay full retail somewhere else. I promise to wash and vacuum it before I deliver it to your door. THAT’S RIGHT! DELIVERY!!”

Of course, Patrick wouldn’t want all the dads out there to feel excluded, so he offered up a few selling points that fathers wouldn’t be able to refuse.

“You too can sack up and buy yourself a rolling man cave/stabbin cabin, replete with plugs in the back to charge the batteries for your drills and what not,” wrote Patrick. “A fully functional DVD w/ two sets of headphones, means you can watch Gladiator or Caddyshack or whatever the eff on your next trip to Disney.”

After verifying that the minivan was in it for the long haul – after all, Patrick drove it to Disney twice! – he provided shoppers with a Kelly Blue Book estimate and swears that his old ride is priced fairly. “Seriously, get yourself a slice of American (VIA JAPAN) Suburbia at a price that will allow you to save enough to send your kid to Episcopal for another year!!” he wrote.

Related: Ryan Reynolds’s Homeschool-Edition Gin Will Help With “Whatever the F*ck New Math Is”

He signed off his ad by calling out the fine details. “I’ll take offers, low ball away, but know that banter is going to be epic!” he said. “Also, know the agreed upon price will have to end in a 3, 7 or 9. Superstitions.” Listed with 114,000 miles on it for $9,999, Patrick was able to sell his car in under three hours according to the comments section.