Is Joy in Motherhood the Taboo No-One Wants to Discuss?

A new survey of more than 5,000 mothers has found an astonishing majority felt that one of the most hidden aspects of motherhood is the joy that can be found.

While mothers interviewed as part of Peanut’s new More Joy campaign acknowledged the difficulties they’d found in motherhood (with 60% admitting they found it more difficult than they expected and 78% saying they’d struggled with their mental health) an incredible 94% said they experience overwhelming joy and deep depletion simultaneously.

The campaign, launched this week by the parenting app, suggests joy is almost a taboo, with mums feeling like it’s not only not represented, but something they feel they can’t talk about. 84% of mums told Peanut they believe parenthood is not presented accurately in the content they consume – and while for years that might’ve been read as simply parents feeling like all the content out there was overly perfect and smug, in fact, it’s… not quite the opposite, but definitely not the full picture.

Because when actually asked about the joy of motherhood, 81% of mothers the group spoke to think there should be more emphasis on the good parts of being a parent and the women interviewed shared that actually, they feel embarrassed to share these moments of joy, for fear of seeming smug, or insensitive.

But Peanut argue that joy should be shared without shame, because the reality is that it comes hand in hand with the tough times. And in fact, it could be helpful for many. 91% told the survey that the experience of parenthood brings more joy and fulfilment than they had anticipated, so it seems the negative messaging starts to non-parents before they even step into the realm of children.

On the other hand, 60% did say they found motherhood more difficult than they expected. Because the majority of women have felt like that, perhaps in recent years those of us who did struggle at first, and were shocked, haven’t wanted anyone else to feel like that again. We’ve leaned too hard into warning of the gigantic shock to soften the landing for those behind us. But the adage that no-one can really prepare you is true, so should we stop trying?

In a bid to make parents feel better about the tough times and comfort them, have we over course-corrected? Did we aim to comfort and make people feel less alone, but have instead left them scared and feeling that nothing they see on social media represents them? Possibly. But it’s a tricky line to balance, and the real truth is perhaps that the fine line between joy and fury (and that can see you laughing one minute and near angry tears the next) is probably too nuanced for social media. Peanut is an app designed to bring mothers together in community online and in person, and that – in coffee shops or midnight WhatsApp chats – is probably where you’re likely to find what you need. Rarely on google or Instagram. Though we’ve all been there and we will likely do it again.

Outside of taking things IRL, what else can be done? Well Peanut are asking people to share moments of unfiltered joy, no matter how small or underrepresented, tagging them #morejoymotherhood. “It’s time to stop adding to the mental load of mothers with unrealistic ideals and impossible standards,” said Michelle Kennedy, Founder and CEO of Peanut. “Instead, we should celebrate their daily victories and work together to create the changes necessary to support future generations of mothers.”

So, what did those joyous moments entail? Well, the survey found that it’s the small things. Mothers found joy in the simplest moments – morning cuddles (62%), spontaneous laughter (57%), and watching their children develop new skills (52%). In a world where it seems like everyone is nailing it and taking their kids to the coolest and best places every moment of every day, that’s a good reminder heading into the weekend.

Rhiannon Evans is the interim content director at PS UK. Rhiannon has been a journalist for 17 years, starting at local newspapers before moving to work for Heat magazine and Grazia. As a senior editor at Grazia, she helped launch parenting brand The Juggle, worked across brand partnerships, and launched the “Grazia Life Advice” podcast. An NCE-qualified journalist (yes, with a 120-words-per-minute shorthand), she has written for The Guardian, Vice and Refinery29.