A Guide to Moving On (and Finding Love) After Your Trust Is Broken in a Relationship

When news broke in 2017 that Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein had been accused by multiple women of sexual misconduct, it brought the end of not only his decades-long career as a movie mogul, but his marriage to Marchesa designer Georgina Chapman.

Chapman, who married Weinstein in 2007, shares two children with the former Miramax boss. Those children will now only be able to interact with their father during visits to the prison where he is serving a 23-year sentence for his crimes. Given that he is 68-years-old, he will likely spend the rest of his life behind bars.

Although a very extreme case, the dissolution of Chapman’s marriage to Weinstein got me thinking about how on earth one finds the strength to move forward after finding out that a huge chunk of your life was a lie. In Chapman’s case, not only did she discover that her husband had been unfaithful, but she was faced with the fact that he was also a sexual predator who had committed years of unspeakable crimes against women.

Chapman told Vogue in 2018 that she had been unable to leave her home for months after the allegations came to light, saying, “I have moments of rage, I have moments of confusion, I have moments of disbelief! And I have moments when I just cry for my children. What are their lives going to be? What are people going to say to them?”

Happily, Chapman seems to have found a fresh start in her romance with Oscar-wining actor Adrien Brody, proving that it is possible to feel trust with a new partner after it has been broken by another.

To find out how, we asked New York-based marriage and family therapist Talia Litman for some advice. Here’s what she said.

Above all, be compassionate and patient with yourself.

POPSUGAR: When you first experience the catastrophic breaking of trust, what should you do for yourself immediately in the name of self-care? 

Talia Litman: After a catastrophic break of trust, you may find yourself in crisis mode. This happens when you face an obstacle or equilibrium disturbance, and your usual coping mechanisms, resources, and problem-solving strategies don’t work. It may seem as though your entire world has been overturned. As your mind and body try to process what is happening, it can be an emotional and mental rollercoaster. It can feel chaotic and ungrounding. You may find yourself bouncing between the stages of grief, which include shock, denial, anger, confusion/questioning, and sadness (and later, acceptance).

We experience grief in a crisis because there has been a loss, maybe of a relationship, an identity, or an imagined future.

What you can do for yourself during this time is to ride it out with as much support as possible. Seek help from a mental health professional quickly – they are trained to work with people in crisis. Group therapy with others who have experienced something similar is also a powerful support mechanism.

Further resources include faith/spirituality, friends and family, art, and grounding your body. Anything you can do to calm your nervous system is a great idea. If you’re worried you won’t look after yourself (e.g., eat/wash), find someone who can check in on you regularly.

Above all, be compassionate and patient with yourself. It can help to recognise that you’re going through a crisis and that the turmoil you’re feeling is normal and expected, and a necessary process to restore your equilibrium, and that it won’t last forever.

The good news is that it’s possible to heal the wounds and vulnerabilities you bring with you from the past in a new healthy and happy relationship.

PS: How long is “normal” to feel traumatised or how long should you wait before attempting another relationship?

TL: When to attempt a new relationship after a traumatic one is a personal decision and is different for everyone. It can depend on lots of factors, such as how you experienced the trauma, additional life stresses, and resources available to you.

It’s unrealistic to think that you need to be completely healed from a traumatic experience to move on. Our experiences shape us, and we take our wounds with us into our next relationship (consciously or unconsciously).

It’s a good rule of thumb to wait to start a new relationship until you’re out of the immediate crisis phase and it can be helpful to make meaning or sense of what happened before you embark on a new romance.

PS: How do you not repeat the same pattern or get into a similar situation?

TL: After a major breach of trust, I recommend working with a therapist to reflect on the themes that were present in the relationship, and to look back on other relationships to identify any patterns.

It’s important to examine the role you played, including what your instincts were telling you, the decisions you made, and why. This generates valuable self-awareness, increases your confidence in future decision-making, and reduces the chance of ending up in a similar situation.

PS: How do you learn to trust a new partner, and is it a good idea to communicate with them about your past trauma?

TL: After experiencing a breach of trust, one of the hardest things to do is to trust others and yourself again. It may take a long time to rebuild trust, which requires patience. 

Trust in a relationship grows slowly and over time; it is created through small, repeated daily gestures and exchanges, as well as bigger things. One advantage of sharing your past trauma with a new partner is that they will have a context as to why you may be acting a certain way, and why you may find it hard to trust. For example, if you are reluctant to deepen your relationship, your new partner may take it less personally if they understand your past experiences.

If your share your trauma with someone new and they respond supportively, it’s a great opportunity to build trust and strengthen the relationship. If they are unsupportive, this could be an indication that the relationship would hinder, rather than help, your recovery. Given the emotional risk of sharing your trauma with a new partner, you may want to ensure there is a base level of trust in place before opening up. 

Trust in a relationship grows slowly and over time; it is created through small, repeated daily gestures and exchanges.

PS: How do you avoid bringing your past issues into your new one?

TL: It’s impossible to avoid bringing the past with you into new relationships. But, if you have learned from the past, and developed greater awareness about what happened, then it hopefully won’t play out in the same way. For example, if you understand your reactivity triggers, you can choose to respond differently in your next relationship.

The good news is that it’s possible to heal the wounds and vulnerabilities you bring with you from the past in a new healthy and happy relationship.

Talia Litman, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist and author specialising in couples and sex therapy. Contact: taliamft.com.