OPINION: It’s Okay to Have a Boyfriend and Still Be Attracted to Women

For the fifth year in a row, POPSUGAR is dedicating the month of June to recognising LGBTQIA+ voices, having honest conversations about sexuality and gender, and honouring individuality, through personal essays and allyship guidance. A roster of contributors along with the POPSUGAR team are sharing these stories throughout the month, so be sure to find all our pieces here.

For me, sexuality is a spectrum and it’s constantly moving.

Some days, I’m super attracted to women and it’s all I can think about, sexually. I have sexy dreams about them, I flirt with them in bars, I think about ex-flames who things never quite ended with and I wonder what she’s doing.

I’m in a serious relationship with a male right now, but I still feel this way about women pretty frequently. For a while, I was worried that maybe I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I thought that my extreme attraction to women in moments meant that I shouldn’t be in a relationship, and that I was somehow abandoning the commitment I made to my boyfriend for having sexual fantasies that involved boobs.

But this isn’t the case. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember, relationship or no relationship. I’ve never really felt able to define my sexuality. Although I identify as bisexual, in some moments I feel more straight, in other moments I feel more gay, and sometimes I feel somewhere in the middle. ALL of it is okay.

I’ve been in some pretty icky relationships in the past with people that didn’t take my sexuality well. There’s something strange in an open sexuality, when you’re openly attracted to both males and females, that can make people feel a little insecure. Perhaps it’s because they feel as though there’s a certain pleasure they can’t give you, and therefore a part of you they don’t get to see or feel they understand.

Not only do I feel fluid in my sexuality, but I’m also quite a sexual person; I love connecting with people sexually through flirtation, and I’m pretty free and open with my sexuality, meaning that I don’t try to hide it. Understandably, this can cause conflict in relationships, as jealousy sneaks in and takes over. It requires complete openness and a lot of communication.

In the relationship I’m in now, my boyfriend and I were friends for a while before we started dating, which I think is a huge contributing factor to why we’re able to communicate about sexuality so well. I was open from the very beginning and so was he, which instilled a level of vulnerability and trust that allows for us to be open with each other. We both identify with bisexuality, which definitely helps, but communicating so openly has made me realise that it’s totally okay to be in a relationship and still explore your sexuality.

Luckily for our culture, we’re moving away from traditional relationships that don’t allow for independent exploration once you’re in them. It’s widely accepted to talk about your sexual feelings and be open about things or people you’d like to experience outside of your relationship. Sometimes, we’re just craving communication with someone about it, and it’s not the actual act that’s appealing, but more the thought and the conversation surrounding it.

It’s completely okay to be in a relationship and still be attracted to someone else, of any gender. It can be confusing if the other people you’re attracted to majorly differentiate from your partner, because it can cause an insecurity within them and also make it challenging for you to explain. However, it’s totally normal and okay. The most important thing is to communicate your feelings with your lover. And if they’re the amazing person you deserve to be with, then they’ll be understanding, open and want to talk about it.

At the end of the day, learning about who your partner is attracted to outside of the relationship helps you to learn more about them. We’re all individual people, with independent desires that make us unique, which is totally beautiful and often has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

When it comes to being in a relationship with a man and still being attracted to women, I say that our sexual desires are part of what makes us who we are, so to deny them would be dishonest to ourselves. Don’t push them down, because they won’t go away.

I recommend trying your best to be open and free with your sexuality and desires, and practise talking about them to your friends and your partner. Our desires sometimes weigh down on us and we feel guilty for indulging in fantasies with someone other than our partner, but find comfort in the fact that it’s normal and happens to everyone, regardless of sexuality. Talking about them doesn’t have to be stressful, it can be fun and sometimes even create sexy situations of their own.

If you’re not ready to talk about them, that’s okay too. In this instance, you could buy a really good vibrator and watch some juicy lesbian porn. There’s nothing wrong with that.