If you’ve been scrolling on TikTok, Instagram — pretty much anywhere online recently — you’ve probably heard the term “attachment style”.
Mostly referred to in discussions around relationships, attachment styles have become the new buzzwords within the language of modern dating.
We love that conversations around mental health and psychology have become so much more prevalent in the online world. Still, it’s super important that we take the time to fully understand what we’re actually talking about.
With that in mind, we spoke to Amber Rules, Clinical Psychotherapist and Director of Rough Patch Affordable Counselling. Ahead, Rules explains what an attachment style actually is, and whether it’s something that can be a make-or-break deal for relationships.
What Is an Attachment Style, Actually?
The Bowlby Attachment Theory — from John Bowlby, the OG attachment theorist of 1969 — states that attachment styles are defined by how you respond to someone you’re attached to, especially in moments of conflict and emotion.
Our attachment styles develop extremely early on, when we engage in our first emotional bond, that is: with our parents.
“The bond we have with our primary caregiver goes on to shape the safety we feel in the world and within ourselves,” Amber Rules tells POPSUGAR Australia.
“If you have a traumatic upbringing — say a parent who struggles with addiction, is in and out of jail, or if you have 10 siblings and struggle to get the attention you need — all of the those things can disrupt your attachment style.”
What Are the Different Attachment Styles?
There are actually four different attachment styles. They are:
1. Secure Attachment
People with a secure attachment style feel safe and trusting in relationships.
Children who are securely attached feel safe and supported by their caregivers and therefore, when they move into adulthood, become securely attached adults are very capable of forming lasting relationships.
2. Anxious Attachment
People with an anxious attachment style generally have problems trusting others, according to SimplyPsychology. They often worry that people will abandon them, so they can seem clingy or needy.
3. Avoidant Attachment
Characterised by problems with intimacy and low emotional investment in relationships, a person who has a more avoidant attachment style is likely to disconnect from vulnerability and confrontation. In moments of emotion, they retreat and will often block others out as a way of protecting themselves.
4. Disorganised Attachment
A disorganised attachment style stems from being neglected as a child, Healthline states.
If a parent has consistently failed to respond appropriately to their child’s distress, the child will likely stop crying or reacting in the “normal” way, as they become accustomed to their parent not responding, or responding by mocking them.
Disorganised attachment is more complex than the others, as it stems from such early childhood trauma, and can manifest differently in each individual.
In children, it’s often characterised as both craving and fearing their parents.
Can You Date Someone With a Different Attachment Style to You?
While our attachment styles definitely impact our romantic relationships, they don’t have to define them.
No two attachment styles manifest exactly the same way in everyone, too, so while you might have the same attachment style as someone, you may have processed it or evolved with it in a different way.
According to Rules, your opposing attachment styles could work both for or against your relationship. Sometimes, it’s even a bit of both.
“Avoidant folks might sometimes find the overt needs of anxiously-attached people a bit overwhelming,” she says.
“Similarly, anxious folks may be baffled by an avoidantly-attached person’s need for retreat when feeling emotional, and experience it as rejection.”
In contrast, Rules says that being in a relationship — or even friendship — with someone who has an opposing attachment style to you could actually be a healing experience. Seeing the way someone else responds to attachment has the ability to impact the way we view our own attachment style. We might see the way they go about things and realise that maybe we could be more like that, too.
“However, it’s very important to remember that every person has emotional needs — it’s just how they manifest that looks different.”
While our attachment styles can influence how our relationship works, there are many other factors which also contribute.
“Things like stress, grief, worry, financial strain, power differentials, poor communication, gender differences, cultural differences and more can both support and hinder how our relationships function,” says Rules.
“Having different attachment styles can certainly be a challenge, but other times can be wonderfully complimentary.”
How Do We Navigate Attachment Styles in Relationships?
Rules says it’s all about understanding the other person. Of course, this is integral for relationships in general, but understanding someone’s attachment style can benefit a relationship greatly.
“When we understand each other’s emotional needs and preferences, we can begin to detach from taking it personally,” she says.
“We might say to ourselves ‘I know that my partner requires alone time to think when they are upset, even though I want to know what they’re going through so I feel secure and safe in the relationship’, rather than fight against it.”
Want to understand your — or your partner’s — attachment style better? Rules reckons these questions are a good place to start:
- Does your partner seek other people out to help them self-soothe and problem solve, or do they go inwards?
- Is your partner sensitive to feeling rejected or pushed away?
- Is your partner very invested in or preoccupied by your relationship?
- Is your partner receptive to and able to engage in direct, effective, and respectful communication?
Does Our Attachment Style Ever Change?
Fundamentally, our attachment styles will most likely stay the same throughout life. Like everything, though, they can also evolve through time and lived experience.
“When we undertake therapy and personal development, we may be able to better manage unhelpful attachment experiences,” says Rules.
“For example, we may be better at managing big emotions, communicating more clearly and be less likely to be derailed by emotional content that stems from our attachment style,” she explains.
“Some of us may also be able to successfully move from a challenging attachment style to secure attachment with the right therapeutic support.”
Maybe the take away here is that we should all be in therapy before undertaking a serious romantic relationship. Honestly, it isn’t the worst idea!
