We’ve all been there. That highly-romanticised scenario of being so madly in love with someone, who just doesn’t feel the same way about you.
They might not know who you are. You might’ve been crushing on them for years, writing about them in your diary, dreaming up scenarios where they notice you and it’s love at first sight…
Unrequited love is a total beast of an experience. It makes you feel confused; how could you be feeling such a strong feeling and they’re seemingly feeling nothing at all? It makes you question your own worth, which is never a healthy thing.
We’re taught that when you fall in love, you get butterflies, you feel weak, nervous, unsure of yourself, like you’d do absolutely anything to be with that person. That’s what unrequited love feels like. It makes you feel crazy. Crazy in love. I mean, it’s the name of a song! It must be true!
But it’s not worth the anxiety, according to this TikTok video.
“No amount of energy, no amount of attraction and no amount of chemistry can ever make up for the anxiety that is guaranteed if you remain in a situation with someone who does not choose you,” says certified relationship coach, Jillian Turecki, in one of her most recent TikTok videos.
This struck a cord with me.
Having been in my fair share of unrequited love situations, I’d never thought of it as a scenario that can actually exist inside a relationship.
“The only way out,” she goes on to say, “as cheesy and as cliche as it may sound… is to choose yourself.”
In this scenario, “choosing yourself” is really just choosing inner peace over chaos, Turecki points out.
As far as a relationship goes, that puts you on even playing fields. “You’re choosing to invest in someone who is just as invested as you.”
But same goes in the initial dating phase, or even the moment before you go on a date, when you’re crushing on them and they’re not giving you anything.
But What If They’re Just Shy?
In my experience, it’s important to distinguish between whether someone actually doesn’t really know you, or is maybe just a little more introverted and doesn’t feel comfortable to make the first move.
If you’re unsure, there’s always no harm in being upfront. Tell them that you think they’re cute and ask them if they’d be into going on a date.
Then, if they say they’re not interested (or the optimistic alternative), you’ll have your answer. Rejection is never an easy feeling to process, however, it’s better than not knowing.
How Do You Move On, Though?
“Relationships — good ones — are labour intensive enough,” says Turecki. “At the bare minimum, you need to feel as though your love and appreciation is reciprocated.”
Facts.
Basically, if you’re in a relationship or scenario of unrequited love, the relationship is not sustainable, Turecki says. Without the basics of mutual love and respect, there will always be an imbalance in your relationship which will make it hard to communicate and love freely and with vulnerability.
And you deserve a better love than that!
It’s hard to choose yourself sometimes, to throw away the dream of a relationship with someone you really like. But you matter more.
Relationships don’t define our success, we do. So, choose yourself. The rest will follow.
