One day many years ago, I was fetching something from my mum’s room when I noticed a book on her nightstand. It’s as if the sun intentionally shone through the window at just the right time for me to see it in the bright afternoon light. Titled Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, it was the first time I thought about men and women as having separate thought processes.
In a nutshell, the book, which is now viewed as a modern classic, is an observant and at times anecdotal account of how different men and women can be in their communication styles. Comical yes, frustrating absolutely yes. This difference underpins the reasons why I feel as though, post date, the entire situation gets lost in translation. Is he waiting for me to call while I am waiting for him? Was he showing interest on the date just to get in my pants or did he actually like me? What is going through his head! Am I complicating it? Why hasn’t he called!
Typically after I go on a date with a guy I like, all my energy goes into trying to figure out exactly what his next move is going to be. I for one like to be open in my communication and share my feelings. The only reason I don’t is because I fear that if I do he will run in the other direction. He (he being a fusion of the few men I’ve been on dates with recently), doesn’t say much at all — so, naturally, if I don’t hear from him within a suitable time frame, my mind wanders to all the possible negative reasons why.
Did I say something weird? Did I have food in my teeth? Was my hair messy?
Did he like my outfit?
The follow-through feels rare these days. It also seems to be accompanied by a whole lot of dilly-dallying. Do men know where my mind wanders to in that time! I could have 40 conversations with my girlfriends about what he might do next in that time!
My girlfriends and I always deliberate on potential thoughts guys might have after a good date they’ve been on. Do they have thoughts? Are they as personal to us as we think? Do they have a plan and they just have a different way of communicating it?
Take the last guy I met, for instance, Gus. Our first date was what dreams are made of. We stayed up all night drinking wine and playing cards, shared a few kisses and enjoyed coffee on the balcony the next morning. He isn’t like all the others! I told my best friend later that day. I don’t want to let my experiences with the others taint the moments I shared with Gus last night!
The next day Gus texted saying he had such a fun time with me and couldn’t wait to do it all again. We planned to meet later that week and I kept catching myself feeling little moments of excitement about seeing him again.
When Saturday rolled around, I never heard from him. I was catapulted into a spiral of negative thoughts, left thinking that I must have been the reason he never called again.
I’m not sure what happened and, unless Gus rises from the ashes, unfortunately, I’ll never know. The change in tune is when the agony sets in. I’m ok with him not wanting to see me again but I’d like to think he had some good thoughts about our date. I’d like to think it wasn’t just a waste of time.
To stop me from creating countless scenarios explaining what may have happened to Gus, I decided to delve deeper into the minds of four male acquaintances and asked them to share with me some private thoughts they’ve had after a good date.
Harry:
“After a good date, I tend to spend the following 24-48 hours in varying states of panic and overthinking.
“Lines of thinking include: ‘Wow that was really good, I should tell my friends. How do I tell my friends about having gone on a good date without sounding like the most irritating person alive?’; ‘was that date actually as good as I think it was, or am I reading too much into things? Was he just humouring me and actually can’t wait to delete my number?’; and, a personal favourite: ‘Was that date actually good and did we have actual chemistry or am I just choosing to believe that it was good enough for a second date because meeting new people and going on first dates is so incredibly exhausting that I need a second date to feel like I’ve got a good return on investment?’.
“I also then picture our entire lives together and try to work out if we should double-barrel our surnames when we get married”.
My thoughts: Omg Harry, are you single?
Harry: I am girl! Know any cute boys for me?
Marcus:
“I’ve recently started dating someone and, from the start, it was enjoyable because we shared a gentle reciprocity.
“Straight away I knew that she was attracted to me and she knew that I was attracted to her. On the surface we are quite different people, but beneath we share deep, less visible values… and I think these came up on the first date, based on how we spoke to each other.
“A good first date to me is not what you talk about with the other person, but how you talk. Questions, real listening, engagement. We have since danced on dates and hot damn that gets me going too.
Above all, a good date — I’m slow to date at all — will make me feel like I’m enriching and challenging the other person at the same time they are enriching and challenging me. This is how I know.
Juan:
“Many thoughts go through my head after a good date. I guess one of the firsts is: ‘Was it a good date for her too?’ You hope it was, nothing worse than feeling the night went somewhere and that for her it was a mediocre time.
“Me being me, I soon follow these thoughts with little dumb fantasies of the possibilities of a long term relationship. Travel, adventure, intimacy etc.
“Lastly, there is the anticipation of the next time you will see this person, the careful navigation of the excitement of meeting someone for the first time to the anxious wait of meeting them for the 2nd time (which in many ways I think is tougher because having exhausted all the superficial talking points of meeting someone, a second date will force you to dig deeper)
Darby:
“I remember feeling really good about myself after my last date. Salty and lightly toasted skin from the hike and a swim.
“I was physically tired from the exercise but emotionally uplifted from the connection made. It was a great day regardless of the company, but the company definitely complimented things. I knew I wanted to have a second date after a day like that.
My thoughts: I am keen to know what happened next…
“A good date for me is one where I lose track of time. Where the very next morning I find myself already wondering when I might see him again; and if I do, it’s a pretty good feeling. Parting ways with some dates will be inevitable. But either way, a bit of post date communication never goes unnoticed. After all, we’re all part of someone else’s journey.
Stay tuned for part two – thoughts after a bad date!
