How Ethical Porn Changed My Relationship With Sex

When I first started watching porn, it freaked me out. I remember just scrolling through Pornhub and clicking on random videos, which I would then very hurriedly click out of as soon as the inevitable aggressive blowjob scene began. Watching a woman in that position made me feel physically ill.

But it wasn’t just the blowjobs. The whole thing scared me. The porn stars seemed so sure of themselves, making and responding to each other’s noises, moving their bodies in an effortless way but into positions that seemed less than comfortable. They seemed to enjoy something that actually looked quite painful.

If this is what sex looked like, I thought, I wasn’t sure it was for me.

I didn’t have sex throughout high school because I was pretty sure I’d never look as hot and be able to talk dirty as well as the girls I saw in porn videos. So I just didn’t try. Not only did I have absolutely no desire to, but I was truly afraid of being “found out” that I was way less sexy than I wanted to be.

When I actually started having sex, in my early twenties, I stopped watching porn altogether. I realised that the porn I’d been watching was actually so far from what good sex looked and felt like, that I didn’t want to have those preconceived ideas in my mind about what sex “should” be. I just wanted to feel free and go with the vibes, without any expectation of how to look and behave.

But then, a few years ago, when I was well established in my sex life and felt good about my body and my sexuality, I began watching ethical porn.

Shouldn’t all porn be ethical, you ask? You’d think so, given the nature of the content. But historically, the majority of mainstream porn is actually not ethical at all, and honestly, it makes a difference to the viewer. While those unethical companies and sites might no longer exist or have evolved into better ethics in recent years, the videos remain on the internet, still making up the majority of traditional online content.

“Since the dawn of the internet, online porn has led to a barrage of unethical behaviour because anyone can grab a phone and shoot a scene,” Australian porn star and host of Sexpo Australia, Belinda Gavin, tells POPSUGAR Australia.

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“Ethical porn these days helps to eliminate unsavoury predators and unethical shooting situations.”

According to sex therapist Kamil Lewis, AMFT, “Ethical porn validates the needs, boundaries, and curiosities of the performers,” while depicting sex that’s more true-to-life, often featuring performers with more diverse body types and skin colours, and, perhaps most importantly, showcasing real female pleasure. “Ethical porn is inclusive, creative, and consensual,” she says.

The term “ethical porn” is sometimes also called “feminist” or “fair trade” porn. It’s basically porn that simply honours consent, treats performers with respect and pays everyone fairly. It’s also often targeted towards women who aim to shift the narrative away from degrading or dehumanising women in the name of getting off.

“All performers [in ethical porn] are tested (which is sometimes forgotten about on other sets), release forms are signed and performers are paid equally for their work. It is all very clear and ethical,” says Gavin.

“Generally, the porn industry can have heaps of grey areas, which is where the ethics sometimes slip and problems can develop. That’s why ethical porn is so important, it’s just about creating fair, ethical environments.”

Arguably, its importance goes even beyond the porn star and to its audience. Watching ethical porn is an entirely different experience to watching porn where the ethics are blurry. The difference is noticeable. In ethical porn, the performers are able to relax more, because they know what they’re shooting. They have full transparency about sexual acts and they feel safe that everything is clean and okay. Because of this, the porn is much more believable to the naked (lol) eye, which makes it much more enjoyable to watch.

Since discovering ethical porn, I’ve become an avid viewer. Much like how I feel about self-pleasure, I believe that watching porn is an educational and enjoyable experience. You get to learn about what you like and new ways to try things out, while also being able to experience guilt-free orgasms from the comfort of your own home.

Watching ethical porn has allowed me to explore my bisexuality and attraction towards women. Whether I’m watching a hetero or same-sex interaction, the women are truly enjoying themselves in these ethical porn videos, and that’s pleasurable for me to watch.

I’ve also noticed that I’m more attracted to the men in ethical porn videos, too. Rather than fitting into that hyper-masculine porn star energy, they’re softer, more sensual and giving — the exchange just feels a lot more authentic. There’s less fitting into a gendered category and more going where the sex takes you. If I was to overview it, I guess watching ethical porn is more like watching real people that are into each other have sex; rather than a performative exchange.

However, esteemed Australian porn star Charlie Forde, says we need to be wary of sites that advertise ethical porn too; because they’re not always as they seem.

“Companies that use this terminology often imply that most porn, or mainstream porn, is not ethical,” Forde tells POPSUGAR Australia. “I find that it’s often used as a marketing tactic, to make audiences feel like they are buying from a more “appropriate” source, alleviating the guilt or shame that still unfortunately surrounds purchasing porn.”

Forde says it’s important we know that the sex and porn industry are much more regulated than it was 20 years ago, and that the vast majority of companies are doing the right thing and are very ethical. With the evolution of social media and transparency and exposure that has come with more open, online conversations, porn websites or companies that perhaps weren’t operating in an “ethical” manner in the past are doing so now.

So basically, lots of porn is ethical these days. There are sites, however, that go above and beyond to assure their content is made in a respectful context, even in terms of the scripts and storylines.

But, of course, it depends on what you like. Whatever you’re into, there’s content out there for you. No judgement here. But if female-focused, ethical porn is what you’re looking for, you can find our favourite ethical porn sites here.