PDA Is Self-Care, So Don’t Let Being Single Stop You

I’ve never thought of myself as someone who needs a lot of physical affection, but I think that’s because I never needed to search for it.

Growing up, I had an extremely nurturing and caring mum, who would always shower me with physical affection in a really healthy way. I never felt as though she suffocated me, but she was always there when I needed her; a soft hug, a shoulder to nuzzle, a hand to hold.

When I moved out of home and embarked on my solo journey into the big wide world, I remember feeling really alone — and it wasn’t because I didn’t like being on my own. Instead, it due to the lack of physical affection and that beautiful closeness and comfort that only someone who knows you well can give you.

When I left home, I didn’t just move down the street; but I moved interstate. In Melbourne, my new home, I didn’t have anyone;. I had no friends, no family, no one I had history with. It was part of the reason I was so drawn to the city. It also brought this newfound sense of yearning for physical affection.

At first, I looked for it in the wrong places. But, as I quickly found out, flings, affairs and one night stands — although physical — don’t give you that same satisfaction of real closeness with someone else.

Eventually, I found it within friends and housemates, people I could walk down the street to a wine bar with, hand in hand, arms around each other, for no other reason than the fact that we felt close and comfortable.

When I think back on it, I remember a drastic change in my mood and mental health throughout that time. I went from feeling isolated and helpless, to feeling joyful and free. I’m not sure that it all had to do with physical affection, but I do remember those moments of closeness as some of my happiest memories.

“There is a significant amount of research that proves physical touch is hugely important for mental and physical health across a person’s lifespan,” says Amber Rules, Clinical Psychotherapist and Director of Rough Patch Affordable Counselling.

“Touch helps with emotion regulation, self-esteem and self-worth, emotional safety and feelings of belonging, and so much more.”

Now, six years later, I’m in a committed long-term relationship, which presents a different experience with touch. Having been together for almost three years, our comfortability with each other feels a lot like family, and it’s the non-sexual touching that I personally find to be the most comforting.

Before this relationship, I wouldn’t have said that I’d be big on PDA. But that was based on previous relationships when I didn’t feel comfortable being touchy-feely with them in public. That might’ve been because I thought they wanted to show off to others or they wanted to signal something sexual to me, whereas this touch I have with my partner now, has no ulterior motive. It’s simply a show of love and affection.

Interestingly, men feel a yearning for affection more than women, Rules says.

“This may be because men are often culturally and socially conditioned not to show affection, especially to other men,” she says.

“In some cultures and countries, like Japan, public affection is a huge cultural taboo. Some people may feel as if they are being watched or judged; some may feel too vulnerable; some may feel uncomfortable or intruded upon…but PDA is always a personal preference.”

And although PDA has been scientifically proven to improve your mental health and enhance your moods, Rules doesn’t necessarily think people should get better at it — particularly, if they feel unsafe or uncomfortable with it.

“If you find affection and touch very uncomfortable, even in private, you may want to explore this further with a therapist,” she says. “If your lack of PDA with a partner causes conflict, then this might also be something to discuss with a therapist.”

It’s important that we don’t force ourselves to do anything that makes us feel unsafe, however, it is definitely worth noting that giving and receiving more physical affection has undeniable health benefits. It doesn’t have to be with a romantic partner, or in a sexual situation, it can simply be with friends or family.

Below are three things I suggest you to do to comfortably incorporate PDA into your everyday life — all tried and tested by me.

Greet People With a Hug

Hugging people when you say hello and goodbye can be a nice and easy way to not only become more physically comfortable around friends, family and even potential dates, but also an easy way to incorporate more physical affection into your daily life. There’s always that awkward moment when you first see someone — even close friends sometimes — where you’re not sure if you’re going to hug or not… so just take that moment and do it.

Go Out Dancing

I know this may sound crazy, but take your friends out dancing. People lose their inhibitions on the dance floor, and it’s a super freeing space to be to show physical affection to not only your friends, but strangers too. If you’re looking to get more comfortable when it comes to PDA, there is truly no better place than boogie-ing the night away. The best part about the dance floor is it’s versatile; you can shimmy it up with your favourite gals, or get sexy with a stranger to Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye. The PDA possibilities are endless.

Hold Hands Whenever You Can

Holding hands with someone is one of the most intimate things you can do, whether it’s with a platonic friend, a new lover, your partner or even your mum. It can also feel a little uncomfortable because it always lasts for an extended period of time. I’ve personally found that holding hands with friends has made me more comfortable with PDA on the whole because once you’re comfy, you stop caring about what others think or what it could mean. You just enjoy the moment for what it is.