I went out for drinks with a guy the other night. We went to a pretty fancy cocktail bar — so the drinks weren’t cheap. When we got up to leave, he rushed to the front to pay the bill.
“Thank you,” I said. “You didn’t need to do that.”
We’d met up for a quick drink and that was all. We chatted for a bit out the front of the bar while we were waiting for my Uber to come. He waited with me, which I thought was gentlemanly of him. And while I appreciated that he picked up the bill, I always feel a little weird about it.
As someone who identifies as bisexual, the question of who pays the bill on a first date can feel a little complicated.
In heterosexual dynamics, it’s often assumed that the man will pick up the bill. However, on dates with women, non-binary, or gender nonconforming people, it can feel a little less clear.
Personally, I tend to think that whoever asks the other person out should be the one to pay, or at least offer to pay. This seems to be relatively common, and it’s perhaps why cis men in heterosexual relationships have historically picked up the bill — because they’re traditionally the ones doing the asking out. Not to mention the prevalence of the gender pay gap.
But in the queer dating world, paying the bill can be a layered topic. So, how should we approach it?
“For cisgender, heterosexual relationships, it’s been traditionally assumed that the man covers the bill,” says Moe Ari Brown (they/he), Hinge’s Love and Connection Expert.
“However, many LGBTQIA+ daters don’t observe hard-and-fast rules on who should pay. Talking about it beforehand can prevent any discomfort and avoid any overanalysing of what it means afterward.”
In that spirit, here are five ways to go about paying the bill on a queer date in 2023.
Message About It Beforehand
If you’ve met them online and you’re already messaging, chatting about it beforehand can be an easy way to avoid confusion. Brown suggests something like the following message:
“Hey [insert name], I’m excited for our first date. How do you usually like to handle the bill? I often [insert how you want the bill to be taken care of]. What feels best for you?”
If they’re unsure, this gives you an opportunity to respond with how you’d like to go about it. It will also allow you to gauge where the other person stands on the whole thing, which might give more insight to who they are as a human.
Split the Bill Evenly
You can’t go wrong by splitting the bill evenly, says Brown.
Even if you wait until the end of the date and suggest splitting it down the middle, there’s nothing weird or awkward about that. If anything, it shows the person you’re on a date with that you like to do things evenly.
In situations where I have suggested splitting the bill, I’ve felt super empowered. It’s also been a great way for me to keep things casual, especially on a first date when you might not be sure how you feel about each other yet. Splitting the bill means no pressure and no expectation, which can make the initial stages of dating more enjoyable and relaxed.
Take Turns
Another way you could go about it is to suggest taking turns.
“One person could pay this time, and the other else pays the next date,” Brown offers.
If the other person insists on paying, you could make it clear that you’ll get the next one. And vice versa — if you want to pay and the other person feels uncomfortable about that, you can suggest that they pay next time. This can be an especially good option if you know you want to see them again because it sets up a next time.
One Pays, One Tips
Tipping is a gesture that often gets cast aside in Australia. But if you’re going to a nice restaurant or just having a few drinks at the bar, leaving a tip can be a great way to show that you’re willing to be part of the monetary transaction too.
Also, it’s low-key super hot. Being generous and nice to people who work in hospitality is such a green flag.
Take Charge
If you find yourself tip-toeing around the conversation, sometimes it can be good just to take charge.
If you’re the kind of person who likes to be in this role, it can be good to do so from the beginning. Ask the person out, pick the spot you’ll meet, and then you can say, “I asked you out,” or “I picked the spot so I’ll pay.”
It’s important to make sure the other person is comfortable with this, so be aware of their response and give them an opportunity to let you know how they feel.
Taking charge can be a little scary, but if you do it with compassion, it can be super sexy.
