You’ve started sleeping with someone new. You’re really into each other. Like, you can’t stop kissing and touching and you just really want to devour them.
But, when things start getting hot and heavy; they get nervous. They have a penis and it’s not doing the thing. It’s not getting hard. They don’t know why and they’re feeling stressed about it and you tell them it’s okay because it totally is but you want to help and you don’t know how.
So, you stop being intimate because you don’t want to put pressure on them. You look around the room. You kiss them and tell them it’s okay, but you can tell they don’t totally believe you.
What should you do?
We asked Melbourned-based sexologist, Laura Miano, for some tips.
Don’t Make It Personal
“People get soft due to anxiety,” Miano says, “it’s psychological.”
The most common reason that people with penises lose their erections is that they care about the sexual experience. Their level of care makes them feel nervous, which can cause them to go soft.
“When you care, you can start to overthink and get in your head a bit,” she says.
It’s going nothing to do with you not being hot, or not pleasuring them well enough.
Laughter is Sexy
Depending on the type of relationship, laughter and humour is a good way to cut the seriousness and nerves that come with being intimate with someone new, Miano says.
“You could say something light-hearted and cheeky like — ‘oooh you must like me! I like you too’ — so as to reassure them, while also making light of a situation that might be making them feel overwhelmed, nervous or anxious.”
Letting the other person know that you know their loss of erection isn’t a negative byproduct of your intimacy, but rather the opposite. Let them know that it’s okay to like you and to be a little nervous about that.
“I’ve used that one before and it’s really cute.” Miano says.
Do Other Stuff
Take this as an opportunity to get to know each other’s bodies in a different way, Miano recommends.
“Sex is so much more than just having a hard penis. There are so many other things to do! You can keep kissing, they can pleasure you, you can touch other parts of their body…
“As long as you’re both consenting and having fun, that’s all that matters.”
And hey, maybe you’ll find other ways to turn each other on.
Validate Their Feelings
“Just let them know that it’s okay to feel nervous. Maybe let them know that you’re nervous too? And make sure they know that they can talk to you about how they’re feeling, with no judgement.”
It’s important that we don’t just brush losing an erection aside and we take a moment to validate how the person might be feeling.
Sex should be a safe space!
