The Reasons Cheating Has Been On the Rise Since the Beginning Of the Pandemic

It turns out that not even a pandemic can hold us down. Quite the opposite.

Ashley Madison, the world’s leading married dating site, recently found that people in serious partnerships or marriages prefer to seek ‘support’ from someone who isn’t their spouse. Basically, they’d rather drown their sorrows in some unfaithful canoodling, rather than have a serious heart-to-heart.

The site’s annual customer statistics report found that more than 5.5 million new registrations of both males and females signed up in the last year, which is an average of more than 15,200 new members signing up daily. The entire site reached the 70 million-member milestone at the end of 2020, and it’s steadily growing.

They do say that where there’s a will there’s a way, but I can’t help thinking that it would be much more difficult to “sneak out” at a time where we are under so many rules and restrictions.

“These numbers are not only indicative of how ubiquitous cheating is, but also how little an effect the pandemic has had on the ability to cheat,” says Paul Keable, Chief Strategy Officer for Ashley Madison.

“While the lockdowns kept many married people from seeing their affair partners in person, they were no match for virtual communication and the ability to carry out affairs over text, phone calls, or video chats.”

What I’m getting from these stats is that people are pretty prepared to risk it all for outside-of-bounds relationships.

The concept of cheating has always intrigued me. I can really understand and see it from both sides. I can completely understand the need for something – or someone – outside your relationship. It’s pretty unlikely that one person can give you everything you need, all of the time. Every relationship goes through different stages and that’s okay, but you might feel the need to exercise your independence or a change of pace in a certain area. I can pretty easily understand why someone would be tempted by cheating.

But it’s the dishonesty part that doesn’t sit right with me. Firstly, I’m not a good liar and I think the pressure to keep the lie up would render me an anxious blubbering mess. But more importantly, I think that being honest with people you love and just in general is so important. It’s a sign of respect for the other person, as well as trust and open communication, which are all things you want in a relationship.

So, while I understand and can empathise with looking outside a relationship, I can’t get my head around the lying part. Surely, being confined with your partner every day due to lockdown would make the lying that much worse?

But 63% of Ashley Madison members beg to differ, claiming cheating has benefited their lives… and marriages, in the past year.

Men claim that the chance to sleep with someone more sexually adventurous and the ability to fulfil their sexual fantasies led to them feeling more fulfilled and happy in general. Women claim that they often have better sex in an affair that with their spouses, which in turn keeps them more sexually fulfilled.

It’s kind of ironic that both males and females basically just want a better sex life, however they individually define that.

It’s actually not that unbelievable that your best sex isn’t with your long-term partner or in your marriage. You know each other the most intimately, you’ve most likely formed a routine and perhaps you struggle to see them in a way that’s independent from how you’ve come to know them.

Anyone out there that’s had a one night stand or a ‘friends with benefits’ set up knows that having sex with someone you don’t have vulnerable feelings for is really where you can let loose. There’s none of that pressure to be perfect, no concern of judgement and you can be completely and independently yourself because you’re not relying on them for anything.

For women who struggle to orgasm, they might feel embarrassed to tell their partner that they’ve been faking it, or afraid of how that truth will make their partner feel. So, perhaps they search for the orgasm elsewhere.

“Many women learn to enjoy sex without climaxing,” says Dr. Tammy Nelson, author of When You’re The One Who Cheats.

“Sometimes women sacrifice their orgasm with partnered sex because they don’t know how to express their needs. With an affair partner, there is a tendency to start over, to demand better sex, to not be afraid to tell someone exactly what they want and how they want it. Women who cheat don’t want to settle for non-orgasmic sex.”

According to data from Ashley Madison members, 21% of people experience better sex with their partner as an outcome of an affair. Is that because they’ve remembered how to be bold and independent in sex and what they like, and they’re able to ask for it? Or maybe it just makes them feel more relaxed and therefore, they enjoy sex more, in general.

31% of members also say that an affair relieves marital tension. But is marital tension really just sexual tension?

Real talk: I think everyone needs a good shag from time to time. Even if we don’t do it with someone outside our relationship, doesn’t mean we don’t fantasise about it. There’s always going to a bit of a horny thing with infidelity; we often want what we can’t have and the grass is always greener.

“Exploring relationships outside my marriage has given me a newfound excitement in my life. I didn’t realise how much I needed something like this, just for myself,” one Australian Ashley Madison member said.

“For me, I want to feel desired and sexy. The feeling that someone wants me or is thinking about me turns me on and makes the sex more fun. I’ve met married men whose wives don’t want to do anything but the ‘normal’ sex. It gets boring for them. I have a high sex drive and discovering another man’s turn-ons makes it fun and exciting.”

I mean, all of these things are totally understandable and I can quite easily put myself in their position and know that I’d probably feel the need to look outside of my relationship too.

I’d just like to think that we live in a time where these sexual desires are accepted regardless of gender or relationship status, and that the relationship I’m in allows me to have conversations about them.

I think the key is that if you’re in a monogamous relationship, you’re unhappy and you don’t feel as though you can talk about it, then that’s the first hurdle.

Find a way to communicate with your partner, or someone else, about how you’re feeling, before you make the decision to do something you have to lie about. Because although it might ease the tension, it’s a commitment within itself.