Halloween Is on a Saturday This Year Because Apparently Parents Don’t Need a Win Right Now?

Hey, parents, guess what! After years upon years of ineffective-yet-persistent petitions to move Halloween to a Saturday, our work has paid off! Halloween is on a Saturday this year!

Hooray! Let’s celebr-

Wait, come again? It’s also the year 2020, and the holiday that celebrates wearing masks and face coverings might not happen because of a global pandemic that requires masks and face coverings?

What’s that, you say? The whole point of wanting to have Halloween on a Saturday was because weekday Halloweens always conflicted with school, a thing that no longer exists in a year that has also brought us wildfires and murder hornets?

Well, this is some spooky nonsense right here.

As a Halloween-obsessed mom, can I just have a moment to wallow in the cruel twist of fate that’s playing out more like a mean prank on unassuming millennial parents? Can I just vent about how Halloween 2020 was supposed to be, quite literally, lit this year? Aside from All Hallows’ Eve landing on Saturday, that night happens to be a full moon! Not only that? It’s some rare “blue moon” that only comes around every three years or so. Also! It’s the weekend of daylight savings time, which means late-night trick-or-treating would be rewarded with an extra hour to sleep in the following morning. The next time all this amazing sh*t lines up is 152 years from now. Come on!

Even sadder? A recent Harris Poll found that nearly 75 percent of parents have no plans to take their costumed kids door-to-door this year in search of candy, and less than a third of adults anticipate Halloween trick-or-treating taking place in their neighborhoods.

Related: This Parody of a Principal Sharing His, Uh, Creative Solutions to Reopening School Will Make Parents Laugh Through Tears

So, listen up! I recognize that for many of us, 2020 has served as the ultimate birth control. In a world in which everything we hold sacred – including childcare and schools (and sanity) – is canceled, why not also stick a nail in the coffin of what would have been a truly epic Halloween, too?

But, hear me out. What if we all do this thing anyway? What if we drape that cotton cobweb crap over every surface of our already sticky houses, Velcro our kids into some polyester-blend mail-order costumes, fill their plastic pumpkin bins with stockpiled candy, watch some PG-rated movie marathon on TV, and collectively howl up at that big old full blue moon until way past bedtime? What if we treated Halloween as our family’s ultimate rebellion on a year determined to make parents lives a living hell . . . and give ’em hell right back?

Related: If We All Only Do What’s Best For Our Own Families, We’ll Never Get Out of This Pandemic

In a year where doing our level best is barely scraping by, let’s do our damndest to make this historic Halloween one for the books. Hey, we’ve already got the masks.

Who’s with me?! . . .

(It’s cool, you can get back to me once you’ve looked at your calendars, yeah, that’s totally fine. No rush.)

But, seriously, can you pleaaase sign the “Halloween on a Saturday in 2021” petition? We really need a win, y’all.